Elixir

Elixir is seeking an experienced lead sorceress . . . ’s apprentice. You’ll join our team located somewhere in the nether world to feed, wash, and document mysterious creatures (applicants inexperienced with dragon vomit need not apply). The apprentice will also maintain various delicate contraptions while experimenting in an unstable alchemy lab. Constant praise of the sorceress’s brilliance is expected.

Must be certified in the quantum manipulation of elemental magicks as they relate to the Oculus Quest device. Availability to work on-site FOREVER a plus.

No pay.

Please staple a death certificate to your application in the top left corner angled at precisely 45 degrees (must be your own death certificate).

FURTHER RESPONSIBILITIES

• Quietness and obedient-ness
• Maintaining a gullible but enthusiastic temperament
• Teleporting hither and yon
• Daily calisthenics of the fingers and the hands

Elixir employees enjoy zero benefits, no medical or vision, and an open office setting.